Sexual Satisfaction And The Myth Of The Female Orgasm
Female orgasm difficulties may be more common than you think. How sexually satisfied are you?
By Steph Auteri
Are women having orgasms in bed? Men seem to think so. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, conducted by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion, 85 percent of men believe their partner climaxed during their most recent love-making session.
If that's the case, women everywhere deserve a shot at an Oscars for their in-bed acting abilities. Because, according to the very same NSSHB study cited above, only 64 percent of women reported reaching orgasm during their most recent sexual event—which means that the other 21 percent are most likely faking it. (Some men might have been with other men during their most recent sexual encounter, but according to the researchers the discrepancy is too large for that to be the only reason.)
What's more, an online survey over at SkinnyScoop.com reveals that a whopping 80 percent of women would prefer a massage to sex with their partner.
This doesn't seem all that shocking to me. On most days, I'd prefer a box of Cheez-its to another round of unsatisfying sex.
Why? In the 11 years since I first became sexually active, I have never experienced an orgasm during intercourse.
Not to say that I've never experienced an orgasm. One ex-boyfriend had magical fingers. One particularly bumpy bus ride brought me to a surprise climax. And my clitoris is having an intense love affair with my vibrator.
But an orgasm from intercourse alone? It's never happened. Bringing Sexy Back: 5 Ways To Increase Female Libido In Marriage
And a sexual history like mine isn't as rare as you'd think.
In Secrets from the Sex Lab, Judy Dutton wrote that two-thirds of women don't typically orgasm during intercourse. This would be disquieting on its own, but even more depressing, 15 to 20 percent of cases seen by sex therapists involve women who have never had any orgasm at all, either alone or with a partner. How can this be?
One major problem is our pesky anatomy. In 1966, Masters and Johnson studied the logistics of female orgasm and found that women are most likely to reach climax through stimulation of the clitoris. That's great to know, but the truth of the matter is the clitoris is too darn far away from the vaginal opening to reap the benefits of your average in-and-out sex.
And when it comes to sex, men can oftentimes be in a hurry to get to the in-and-out. Not only that, but pain during sex is also quite common. In fact, 30 percent of adult women experienced pain the last time they had sex, compared to only 5 percent of men—and sexual pain doesn't exactly make one eager for more sex, nor does it allow one to relax enough to experience pleasure.
Women who have never had an orgasm may be suffering from anorgasmia, also known as female orgasm disorder. Anorgasmia may be psychologically induced, but could also be caused by other medical problems, such as multiple sclerosis, pelvic trauma, spinal cord injury, vulvodynia, or even a hormonal imbalance.
In addition to the above culprits, there are a plethora of things that affect women's libido and arousal levels and can lead to the inability to orgasm. Among these are stress, exhaustion, SSRIs (a common type of anti-depressant medication), and a pain-in-the-butt partner. (Seriously. That comment you just made about my thunder thighs does not make me want to sleep with you.) 5 Reasons Having Sex Is Better Than Being Skinny
Fortunately, there are some easy solutions.
If anatomy is your issue, you could follow sex counselor Ian Kerner's advice, and always follow the "intercourse plus" rule. What this means is that you should indulge in some intercourse, plus some clitoral stimulation. Or some intercourse, plus some anal play. Why? In a 20,000-participant study conducted by Juliet Richters at the University of New South Wales, only 50 percent of women were able to orgasm with intercourse alone. But the addition of extra activities—activities that stimulated their clitoris or other erogenous zones—increased their odds of achieving orgasm by 90 percent.
Is pain the issue for you? Try experimenting with different sexual positions or, if you're having problems with dryness, pile on the lube. If you're experiencing chronic pain you might want to check in with your doctor.
Other things that could help?
You could do kegel exercises regularly in order to strengthen the muscles that typically contract during orgasm. You could bring toys into the bedroom—even during sex—in order to add new sources of stimulation. You could stop thinking about that by-god orgasm, and instead concentrate on the other forms of pleasure you're feeling—after all, sex can be amazing without an orgasm. More than anything else, though, you should identify what you like and what makes you feel good. You should talk to your partner about what makes your toes curl. You should communicate with each other so that you're having mutually rewarding sexual experiences.
You should breathe. And enjoy the moment. In the end, whether or not you reach orgasm is almost beside the point.
